This is something I have to do for myself

Given the recent backlash/controversy I haven’t been able to get a few things off my mind. And for once I’d like to address them in a serious manner. I don’t need to address this to any specific person, I’m sure if/when they read this, they’ll know who they are. And sure – I’ll expect some kind of response but for the time being here is my view on myself, how I present myself, and situations I disagree with.

  1. I’m not fake, in fact I’m pretty real and call ‘em like I see ‘em as Rose would say. To call me fake is just downright stupid. There are no two versions of me, I don’t put up a front about who I am. I’m one girl – Alisha. I’ve always said you either love me or hate me, just pick one and stick to it because I ain’t changing for no one. When you meet me chances are you’ll agree I’m awesome. This is fact. I’m funny, I’m cool, I love being around people and am generally someone fun to hang out with. I pride myself in gaining a lot of acquaintances and friends through my outgoing personality. People tend to know that about me upon first impression. I like to think I’m generally nice and friendly until you give me reason to not be. And here’s where it gets tricky. If you do or say something to piss me off, if you break my trust, or if you let me down in some way, you’re going to hear about it. Whether I write it on my blog or say it to your face, you’ll know I’m annoyed. You may not expect it or understand it or even agree with why I’m bothered by your actions but unless you do something to really change my mind and forgive you, chances are you’re getting cut off. I don’t become a jerk til you give me reason to be. That’s not me being fake, that’s me expressing how I feel. I may not thoroughly talk out things with people because usually when I do, it just gets worse so I say what I need to say and move on. And I feel like people get offended by that. But that isn’t my problem. I’m not one to forgive and forget so if you act like a moron or wrong me, that’s it. I’m not going to put up with it again. Even the small things (especially my pet peeves about social behavior whether online or in real life) I have a hard time getting past. But that’s just me, so deal or move forward. When people get the bitchy “alisha” that’s when all hell breaks loose. And frankly I think in any type of relationship you need to take the good with the bad. Nothing is ever perfect. So if we’re friends and I call you out on saying something retarded, man up! That’s what friends are supposed to do – be honest.
  2. And another point- if you can’t deal with my sarcasm, inside jokes, and sailor mouth then maybe we shouldn’t be friends. You need to put yourself in check or I’ll do it for you. I don’t write things to get a crowd, I write things to get them off my chest and mostly laugh about it later. I’m not one to pretend to be someone you want me to. Perhaps you have this image of me as someone different than I am, but that’s not my problem – that’s yours. I don’t censor my mouth because I come from a family of loud-mouthed Ricans who tell you things up front. So if you don’t like it, see ya later.
  3. I don’t have respect for dysfunctional relationships/friendships. I’d rather be alone with 1 true friend than have a big group of people who lie about liking me. I’m a people person, I try to appreciate the friends around me and surround myself with rad people. I need positivity in my life. I like knowing that the people I call friends are actually genuine people who care about me, will be there for me, and that I can rely on. As time has passed on I’ve found myself with a smaller number of people to call real friends and I’m actually pretty ok with that. I see other friendships around me that just do not make sense at all. You call someone a friend who you can’t even stand, won’t gather the courage to tell them when they’re a bad friend, and who you avoid hanging out with. How is that a friend? The fact that you can’t be open and honest with each other disqualifies the term friendship. And who wants to be surrounded by liars anyway? Have you done anything to really earn that “friend” level? I’d think about that before you go around bragging about all these so called friends you have.
  4. I play by my own rules, even if sometimes its hypocritical. I am now realizing why I don’t talk to some people as much as I used to. The BS small talk, the awkward silences, the distance, it all makes sense now. All the things I hated about people I now find myself doing, and I now get it. It reminds me of a scene in Curb where LD makes a big scene about the sign in sheet at the doctor’s office – he wants a system in place that will let him be seen first, who gives a shit about the other people? And sometimes, I think that’s me. As long as I’m happy – who cares about anyone else right? I’ll just do whatever I want. I don’t have concrete examples of this but it’s just a general observation I’ve made about myself. I’m a work in progress.
  5. People don’t change. And I’ve said this before. You really have to decide for yourself whether the good outweighs the bad. Despite my faults, I know I’m a good person and I know that there is far more greatness about me and so I try to bring that forward as much as possible. For those who I no longer speak to or call friends – the bad outweighed the good. You weren’t worth keeping around. I’m not gonna change who I am and if after talking through disagreements we still don’t see eye to eye what’s the point in keeping things going? Just sever the ties and move on. You can try and help improve things all you want but to expect a dramatic change is just naïve. Weigh the good against the bad and make your call.

I know this was all pretty vague and I’m sorry if you are confused or couldn’t follow, I tried to write what came to my mind. I wrote this for me, to get it off my brain. The false accusations, pity arguments, and negativity that has surrounded me triggered these thoughts. And hey if you don’t agree and think I’m an awful person – join the “Alisha’s Ex-Friends Club” – I know a few people in NJ looking for new members. But if you can see what I’m saying and relate, high 5! Let’s push the haters to the left and carry on.

I just want to point out a few things:

to the black and/or spanish guys of NYC: no I’m not having a good day, and no I don’t wanna smile. stop trying to SUP me as I walk. I am very UNinterested in you and what you have to say.

to the commuters on Metro-North: do not fucking touch me when I am sleeping. you see me passed out on the seat, move along. do not tap me on the shoulder or nudge me to wake up. there are other seats for you to sit in, and if you try to wake me up, you will suffer the wrath of anger I will bestial upon you. learn your fucking lesson.

to the street sellers of Chinatown: no I do not want a Prada bag. you use the money to run sex shops, brothels, and child pornography. how Chinatown even exists in the first place boggles my mind. isn’t the black market illegal?

to the MTA of New York: get your fucking act together. period. public transit shouldn’t be so terrible when I pay you $400 a month. quit the nonsense and run the system properly.