some thoughts:

  • couples who travel RTW together amirite?! the worst.
  • "hey thanks _____ hotel/tourism board/restaurant for the ____ hookup" Instagram photos are the biggest humble brags and I just cannot 
  • just network with people you genuinely like, be a human being for Christ’s sake and stop being a phony
  • how that dude lives on Smith street and has a job and gets on the same RSVP lists is beyond me. oh wait HE STOLE ALL MY FUCKING CONTACTS
  • I’ve given up on saving for vacation because emergencies (read: New York Shitty living) will always come up
  • I want to get married if it means NOT sharing financial assets, so is there such a thing? or do I just get fake married instead?
  • I’m in the market for a new bike and I am very excite
  • if you are constantly saying “OH MAN WE NEED TO HANG OUT” and then I call/text/msg you every fucking weekend and you don’t respond or say you’re busy or whatever the fuck excuse, please just STFU because I’m tired of reaching out and looking desperate while you’re running around
  • same applies for anyone visiting this city often and flakes out
  • today I wrote down a list of “this is what I’m working on” at work and it was 3 pages long. I filed it as “wtf is my job”
It’s becoming a very hot area, and the people from Williamsburg are moving further out, and they don’t want it to be known as a Puerto Rican or Spanish area anymore," he said. "I think it would help the image of the area.

THIS IS SO OFFENSIVE.

and what “wealthy white people” exist along Graham? I’ve never seen a one.

and why are we always the one giving ‘hoods bad names? always a shame to be in these places and see the devastation (read: literally shit all over the streets) and the residents walking around giving zero fucks. it’s embarrassing. take some pride and initiative for God’s sake. you don’t want rich white people “gentrifying” the place with coffee shops and bars, then please contribute something positive to your ‘hood, don’t just treat it like garbage and complain about racist remarks if you’re feeding into the stereotypes. 

this entire debacle really pisses me off about Brooklyn, and New York in general. there’s just no respect for the prior generation - the cultures, families, history that has existed. a lot of my family members grew up in Williamsburg/Bushwick and the Bronx and Queens and to see a sign like this removed would be really awful; it’s literally having a part of our history dismissed. 

ridiculous!

especially when you don’t pay rent, and only crash on people’s couches without a thank you, and shit on people who helped you make this city your “home.” and you’re especially not from New York when you diss Brooklyn as being dirty and dangerous, but then end up having to live there because you have no money.

you are not from New York. please stop saying you’re from New York.

and furthermore, everyone stop supporting her New York “passion.”

recent observations to be said out loud:

- I’m not white, though my Rican side isn’t shown very much, please stop sharing your white girl problems with me
- I do not enjoy being yelled at for doing my job, when you haven’t done your job to prepare me for my job
- I doubt there’s such a thing as a budget in New York when you spend the bulk of your time eating and drinking really well
- there’s always a trade off in New York apartments, how you make the best of it will determine your happiness in living there
- I’m young, stop taking my comments to mean something they don’t
- stop asking me to hang out, grab coffee, catch up, etc if you’re not going to follow through, really
- I’m busy because I want to be busy

also I know I probably sound super passive aggressive and like a cranky old bitch, but I make no apologies for how I feel. whether I say it out loud or write it down.

and no offense, but I don’t remember you having a nursing degree in feelings.

I turn 42 in 2 days and I feel like hell.

because I’ve experienced a monstrosity of a weekend, of a month, of fuck it - YEARS - it feels like. I just have to say this though it’s not new and it’s been complained about before and will always be until some miracle comes.

"I’m so tired, I never thought I’d be this tired at 22 25. I don’t even know who to be anymore”

I’m incredibly tired. people always tell me I’m so young I should calm down and not freak out. that I’ve only been here for a little while, it’ll work out. well I disagree. I’ve been paying my dues since I can remember. I’ve been in New York practically since I was 19 working by myself juggling 3 gigs to make it here damnit and I deserve a reward. I’ve been carrying this weight of responsibility over my shoulders for so long now, I don’t think I can take anymore. I’m losing it too often, worrying too often, scraping by too often, failing too often and I see no resolution in sight. 

rules and the people that “make them” that you have to abide by are shit. I always said I’d rather live in a box in the city than stay at home. at this point I feel like a homeless person. the apartment is in plastic bags and boxes, and worn down, hand-me-down random pieces of shit. I feel no home, no attachment anymore there. I feel like I live alone 90% of the time, or some house wife who works, cleans, and cooks - day in, day out. this wasn’t what I imagined. this is harder than I imagined. this is more emotionally straining than I imagined. no one warned me about this.

I’ve got the career, why can’t my adult life catch up? why am I still suffering? how is everyone else just dealing? actually, I don’t know many people in my shoes. all of my friends it seems are doing VERY WELL and dandy and I’m the one friend who still has to check her bank account before she goes anywhere. I thought I’d have things set by now. I thought I’d be in a much better place, but it feels like I’m the same as I was years ago. no improvement, no hope. just riding the wave until something picks up for a little bit and planning for the next downfall. I don’t think it’s fair to live that way. I sometimes feel guilty for taking part in normal social activities - like a nice dinner with friends. that shouldn’t exist, but it does, very much so for me.

I want to be free of all of the anxiety I face on a regular basis. other people are fine, why  can’t that be me? and I’m always the one that says “fuck it, just do it anyway” but I know it’ll come back to bite me in the ass. but man there’s no other way, I just flee the scene when it all becomes too much to bear. 

and I hate being the person people rely on. I’m sick of being the Mama Bear for everyone. I have it hard enough but something, almost like a vomit reflex tells me to be nice and generous and offer a stepping stone, but almost immediately after I regret it. because rarely does it end up worthwhile for me. rarely do I get a thank you or some sort of compensation. I want to start saying “no” to everyone. and not feel bad about it.

and I don’t want to wait around anymore. change needs to happen NOW. why can’t it be now? when will things change? I’ve been waiting for years now. still nothing.

there’s nothing to do here but mope. it’s what I’m good at.

"all these woes shall serve for sweet discourses"

my Brooklyn story this week

I’ve taken just about every train and been to every Brooklyn neighborhood I thought I’d never see.

I’ve also spent entirely WAY too long riding said trains to see said neighborhoods.

and not by choice.

and for those of you who are thinking of moving here and are like “AWESOME I GET TO RIDE SUBWAYS?! AND DON’T NEED A CAR?!” - shut up. because it’s not awesome. it’s stupid to go to a neighborhood that would be a 13min car ride but instead is a 2hr RT by subway, and when you look on the map it’s a basic zigzag.

but hey, at least I got to learn a new subway line, right!

Do you guys remember that Curb episode where Larry throws a fit about appointment times versus when you show up? And it ends with him basically saying as long as he can go first he’s fine? Well that’s me right now at the eye doctor. Except more of a shit show as I’m somewhere in Bushwick and all the women at reception are on the phone and gossipping to each other in Spanish and gave me an attitude when I asked how long til it was my turn. And remember when I said I was going to try to be an adult and book my own appointments? Well this is why I don’t. Because getting a simple checkup turns into the worst day ever.

So, I’m never growing up.

observations recently: a rant, of course

  • why do I keep running into you losers? 
  • I can’t even hide my nausea for you
  • since when did “hey, so you have a blog?” become a pick-up line?
  • NEVER SAY THAT TO ME. EVER.
  • get me off your mailing list. now.
  • I’ve been a PR whore as of lately, sorry biz friends. don’t hate me for all the emails.
  • you want my social media tip? TALK TO PEOPLE. ABOUT STUFF. AND THINGS.
  • that’ll be one million dollars
  • my new hiring fee is $50. or. ALL of the burgers and beers you have.
  • hey friends, it’s called being appreciative. remember to say thank you when I give you the hookup.
  • also, hook me up. one time. in a world. 
  • IS IT COLD OR WARM, NEW YORK? MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
  • time for closet makeover. and hair makeover.
  • cooking and cleaning calms me, weirdly
  • I’ve become to go-to gal for job advice, coolsies.
  • I wish someone would start a private social network so you could only communicate with people you like. no pressure to interact with anyone else.
  • stop asking about my dating life, it doesn’t exist
  • stop hitting on me when I’m walking down the street, or the only thing you’ll be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother
  • MIRANDA OUT

New York has inadvertently put a permanent bitchface on me.

there was a meme I saw a while back on here that showed a girl walking down NYC streets with a “bitchface” on - basically we look super angry for no reason. and I remember laughing at it and feeling bad and kinda guilty because I’m that girl all the time.

but today, fuck that. I have LOTS of reasons to sport a bitchface. lest I remind you strangers, especially for you newbies, bitchface is now a permanent fixture on this little lady.

this city is fucking aggravating. you are constantly thrown into shitty situations where you turn into Elaine Benes and just scream inside your head as it’s the only consolation.

I walk outside, there’s the same group of scumbags smoking weed and hanging on the corner day in, day out.

I get on the subway, no seats in a jam-packed car. I get a seat, some dumbass hits me with his bookbag or someone’s ass is touching my arm. 

I walk down the street and I get hollered at by creepsters.

I go to work. NO DESK.

I go to a bar or a restaurant and get ignored OR ‘tude from the waiters and bartenders. 

plus you’re getting ripped off left and right from shitty, overpriced places if you don’t know better.

today I lost my temper at two older women on line at the museum in front of my parents and I felt no shame. though, the argument ruined my night as I thought about how it escalated and the fact that a spanish couple next to us pointed out to me that this was a race issue, and I realized that this isn’t the first time a white older woman has pinpointed me in a crowd to humiliate me so I absolutely lost it on her. I wasn’t sorry for speaking up to her and putting her in her place because I refuse to be personally attacked, especially in front of my own family while I’m trying to have a nice day. I’m really angry that people have the audacity to treat me like shit because they may think I’m small, or that I’m young, or that I’m a girl so I’m weak, or that I am Spanish and think they can use these factors against me in someway. it’s never okay, and it will always fuel the fire I have under me, even when I’m emotional after the situation.

so for these reasons, I will be dishing out more balls of fury in addition to normal sass. 

this city is not one for those with kind hearts, and I have officially turned mine in.