I’m not sure what to say here that I haven’t already said to a select few in person. but I feel the need to at least get things out there because having ALL THE FEELINGS sitting inside surely isn’t helping.
today was the first day I woke up in a the last week in which I didn’t feel like burying myself into bed. I woke up and just had to leave the house for the day to regain sanity.
so the gist of this sudden emotional panic attack of sorts culminates after this past week, month, and year of 2012.
I’m not just another young person to move to New York and have struggles and fail. at least, I don’t feel that way. especially because I’ve been working here since I was in college and saved everything I could to get here. so, I feel undeserving of the circumstances I’m suddenly thrown into. as I’ve repeated before, this city doesn’t care about you, so the fact that I’ve worked my ass off for myself by myself to make this lifestyle I’m pursuing sustainable, doesn’t make a difference to many people here. there is no sympathy in this city, I expect no sympathy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t welcome it.
I’ve always felt strong, assertive, independent, and a person who would do anything to make things happen for herself. but something hit me as soon as 2012 came that said, “I can’t do this anymore.” working contract gigs, dedicating myself to too many projects for little pay back, flocking from one job to another, and having no one at my side along the way became too much for me, and I started to unravel.
at the same time I’ve been living in an apartment unhappily under situations I felt grossly unfair. I don’t need to get specific but knowing my lease was up May 1 prompted me to think it was time to leave.
of course in all of this I’d been trying to figure out my finances. but living in New York means a depleted savings account. and living check to check was just not cutting it, no matter how much I tried to cut corners.
so I left to Portugal to flee for a hot second. which probably made matters worse, and really didn’t entirely satisfy me. I hadn’t felt at home in New York for a while, and then I couldn’t find peace over seas, so returning felt even worse to me.
I decided to stop freelancing at the end of March, to then focus on long-term, salary jobs come summer/fall. I’d been searching for work that would truly make me happy, bring home a steady paycheck, be of value and worth, and really prove to not only myself but to others that I was someone to be reckoned with.
with a gig that had turned into a “dream job” I decided to raise the stakes and propose a formal promotion and raise.
in between I was staring down bills, a credit card bill climbing the charts, and bank accounts constantly in the negatives. on top of that, having a roommate flip flopping back and forth over whether to stay or not, live with me or not, and finding apartments that I could really afford. to do this all in 1 month’s time was impossible, I felt. but people kept reassuring me that I’d find something. cut to last Monday. and then this past Friday.
I woke up to a tax return of $81, when I had claimed nearly $5000 in business expenses. so there goes that. amongst that I really had $0 on me and people oweing me money left and right while bills were overdue and no apartment available in sight, and of course no money or supplies to even move.
then to go into a meeting where I was shot down for that raise/promotion and felt immediately worthless. that I had committed too much for too little and now realized what a huge mistake I’d been making all along in my career.
to then call my mom hysterically crying, and hear her response be that she always knew this freelancing and traveling thing would never work. that I was going to be right back at home because I have no budget and will have to borrow money from my parents forever.
to then have to save face the rest of my work day til I felt too sick to carry on.
not to mention me having sent personal “HEY I NEED YOUR HELP” emails to close friends and get NO RESPONSE or support from said friends.
no leads were coming in for work. so I stopped trying.
cut to this past Friday where I spent the day running around seeing last minute apartments and having found a place for us I really loved and then find out that my roommate had already moved on and found a room on her own.
to know that right there I knew this would be the end was the last blow. I officially had no money, no job, and no where to go suddenly. and this out of my control to some degree was too much to handle. so that’s how my NYC experience ends, and it’s not fair.
to this second I have no idea if I’ll be waking up in Brooklyn or at home in my parents house. it’s been an incredibly eye-opening experience to have people who you thought believed in you, who valued you, who supported you be MIA and tell you otherwise. it’s still really a laughable shock to me that my life here has all crashed at the same time. but I feel power is out of my hands at this point. and I know there’s been close calls before, this the closest of calls, but it’s still a huge deal for me, and maybe yea I’ll be back in New York living and working as always, but it’s still a lot for me to deal with on my own.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alone and that’s why I’ve been an emotional mess and have been writing nothing but Debbie Downer posts. I’ve woken up every day for several months now at a loss with this past month being the most out of control.
do I have faith that things will work out? I really don’t know. some miracle could happen in these next 24hrs, or not and I’ll be home Upstate locking myself in my room until I feel better.
for now, being emotional is all I can be. logic and hope just isn’t on my mind right now. sympathy is. I feel like a failure because I know people who look up to me and now may see this and judge me. and I feel like damnit I’m 26 why is adult life still so confusing and difficult?
so, that’s been my life update. you never know with me.