I’m not sure what to say here that I haven’t already said to a select few in person. but I feel the need to at least get things out there because having ALL THE FEELINGS sitting inside surely isn’t helping.

today was the first day I woke up in a the last week in which I didn’t feel like burying myself into bed. I woke up and just had to leave the house for the day to regain sanity. 

so the gist of this sudden emotional panic attack of sorts culminates after this past week, month, and year of 2012. 

I’m not just another young person to move to New York and have struggles and fail. at least, I don’t feel that way. especially because I’ve been working here since I was in college and saved everything I could to get here. so, I feel undeserving of the circumstances I’m suddenly thrown into. as I’ve repeated before, this city doesn’t care about you, so the fact that I’ve worked my ass off for myself by myself to make this lifestyle I’m pursuing sustainable, doesn’t make a difference to many people here. there is no sympathy in this city, I expect no sympathy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t welcome it. 

I’ve always felt strong, assertive, independent, and a person who would do anything to make things happen for herself. but something hit me as soon as 2012 came that said, “I can’t do this anymore.” working contract gigs, dedicating myself to too many projects for little pay back, flocking from one job to another, and having no one at my side along the way became too much for me, and I started to unravel. 

at the same time I’ve been living in an apartment unhappily under situations I felt grossly unfair. I don’t need to get specific but knowing my lease was up May 1 prompted me to think it was time to leave. 

of course in all of this I’d been trying to figure out my finances. but living in New York means a depleted savings account. and living check to check was just not cutting it, no matter how much I tried to cut corners.

so I left to Portugal to flee for a hot second. which probably made matters worse, and really didn’t entirely satisfy me. I hadn’t felt at home in New York for a while, and then I couldn’t find peace over seas, so returning felt even worse to me. 

I decided to stop freelancing at the end of March, to then focus on long-term, salary jobs come summer/fall. I’d been searching for work that would truly make me happy, bring home a steady paycheck, be of value and worth, and really prove to not only myself but to others that I was someone to be reckoned with. 

with a gig that had turned into a “dream job” I decided to raise the stakes and propose a formal promotion and raise. 

in between I was staring down bills, a credit card bill climbing the charts, and bank accounts constantly in the negatives. on top of that, having a roommate flip flopping back and forth over whether to stay or not, live with me or not, and finding apartments that I could really afford. to do this all in 1 month’s time was impossible, I felt. but people kept reassuring me that I’d find something. cut to last Monday. and then this past Friday.

I woke up to a tax return of $81, when I had claimed nearly $5000 in business expenses. so there goes that. amongst that I really had $0 on me and people oweing me money left and right while bills were overdue and no apartment available in sight, and of course no money or supplies to even move.

then to go into a meeting where I was shot down for that raise/promotion and felt immediately worthless. that I had committed too much for too little and now realized what a huge mistake I’d been making all along in my career.

to then call my mom hysterically crying, and hear her response be that she always knew this freelancing and traveling thing would never work. that I was going to be right back at home because I have no budget and will have to borrow money from my parents forever. 

to then have to save face the rest of my work day til I felt too sick to carry on.

not to mention me having sent personal “HEY I NEED YOUR HELP” emails to close friends and get NO RESPONSE or support from said friends.

no leads were coming in for work. so I stopped trying.

cut to this past Friday where I spent the day running around seeing last minute apartments and having found a place for us I really loved and then find out that my roommate had already moved on and found a room on her own.

to know that right there I knew this would be the end was the last blow. I officially had no money, no job, and no where to go suddenly. and this out of my control to some degree was too much to handle. so that’s how my NYC experience ends, and it’s not fair.

to this second I have no idea if I’ll be waking up in Brooklyn or at home in my parents house. it’s been an incredibly eye-opening experience to have people who you thought believed in you, who valued you, who supported you be MIA and tell you otherwise. it’s still really a laughable shock to me that my life here has all crashed at the same time. but I feel power is out of my hands at this point. and I know there’s been close calls before, this the closest of calls, but it’s still a huge deal for me, and maybe yea I’ll be back in New York living and working as always, but it’s still a lot for me to deal with on my own. 

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alone and that’s why I’ve been an emotional mess and have been writing nothing but Debbie Downer posts. I’ve woken up every day for several months now at a loss with this past month being the most out of control. 

do I have faith that things will work out? I really don’t know. some miracle could happen in these next 24hrs, or not and I’ll be home Upstate locking myself in my room until I feel better.

for now, being emotional is all I can be. logic and hope just isn’t on my mind right now. sympathy is. I feel like a failure because I know people who look up to me and now may see this and judge me. and I feel like damnit I’m 26 why is adult life still so confusing and difficult? 

so, that’s been my life update. you never know with me.

despite the rage I’ve been going through lately, and the jealousy for others somewhat undeserved offers, and the fact that I’m doing everything to take my work to the next level, I have to stop and appreciate the people who truly add value to my life - whether professionally or personally. I need more of these breakfast talks to remind me that I shouldn’t compare myself to others, my time will come and I will be better because I am better.

I’m determined to get my happy back:

new boof.

new work.

new season.

new apartment.

new life.

I realize now that I have to sacrifice people on my way to the top. I can’t wait for my thank yous or for those offers I deserve. I just have to do me. and get it right.

and since last week’s hysterics are over with, I thought I’d pull myself together today and remind myself that I have these trips lined up. oh, the excitement to once again travel:

• DC
• Baltimore
• Vegas
• Chicago

I even bought a big girl suitcase to make me feel like a legit traveler once again.

now to find new jobs so I can make more money to pay off my endless debt.

instead I read a book. I dreamed a little bigger. and again, realized there are potholes in my life that will never be filled.

I don’t have the time, energy, and patience to play housewife, business woman, and traveler all at the same time. especially when there’s so much bullshit everywhere I turn.

it’s too much.

ok so I feel like I owe an explanation to everyone about my up and leaving, the rut I was in, and the conclusion of my trip in Bogota, and what it all means going forward.

basically, a lot of what I planned to happen on that trip just flat out didn’t happen, and when I am cornered in, my choice is always to leave. I had high hopes to a) just have a freaking guilt-free vacation b) get inspired for new writing and c) see everything I read in articles in person. but with a lack of real communication abroad and time escaping me, I just couldn’t make things happen for me and so I felt I’d just keep wasting my days staying in Bogota, so I packed up and came home.

I’m more disappointed that the trip didn’t end the way I wanted and that I just up and left the friends I made so that part really sucks. but, on the flip side, a lot of what I learned while I was away fueled some inspiration to get back on the ground running with new goals. 

you all know me by now. every few months I need a change. I get new ideas for work I want to pursue, where I want to go. and this time is no different. 

so for this spring/summer I’m thinking more short trips out of state. I’ve got my eyes set on the west coast. I also wouldn’t say no to being abroad again, especially if it’s Latin America. just for the fun of it, I think it’d be awesome to go somewhere new for a few days. 

work wise: I gotta expand my clientele. so I’ve revamped my portfolio, inserted more buzz words, and created new pitches so people can hire me as their Ambassador of Awesomeness. holla if you know of any openings. 

also: co-working like a beast. I want to get a group together of like-minded friends that want to meet up a few times a week at a wifi space to brainstorm biz ideas, critique our writing, and encourage one another to pitch the outlets we want for new gigs. I really want a team of talented people to be my support system, in person. so if you’re interested in getting involved, email me.

other shit: shopping for a new smart phone and possibly iPad. need better mobile tech desperately. 

I think that’s about it. 

I feel re-energized and generally optimistic that things will work out in my favor. no need to concern yourself over vague posts. doesn’t mean I won’t be writing them or complaining as usual, but just don’t freak out. it’s not that serious.

as always - encouragement, support, participation is welcome. just email me.

back to tumbling like a 15 year old girl!

Purging people, places, and professions.

I’ve been stuck in this apartment for days now and I’m quite sure I’m losing my mind. the weather indeed has left us snowed in but for other reasons I cannot say, I have been on lock down, and my irritability has been on mega high.

but. being stuck inside so long has given me time to actually get work done. you know, all this shit I talk about. I was also back on the job hunting game. I also allowed myself to think outside the box - once again whoring myself out as a “brand” to new potential clients.

it’s the convos on Skype with friends, the coffee shop meetings and catching up with former colleagues, the jealousy I gain from seeing peers accomplishments that push me to always keep going. I have to. sure, I give up every now and again, but I have to just remind myself that I need to create a career for myself.

sometimes I regret leaving Sosauce. but I know I had no other choice. sometimes I wish I just had the money myself to keep it afloat because I loved that job so much, I loved my team, I loved what I was able to turn it into.

and then I got a phone call tonight. possible exciting - please turn things around - kinda news that I will find out tomorrow is yay or nay. I’ve got my fingers crossed.

I learn something new every day. people always ask me why I take on so many non-paying gigs and why I don’t value myself more to demand money. and the truth is you can’t go around demanding money from people. I take gigs that I basically already do on my own, for fun, for exposure, to help others. I’m a nice person if you can believe it. if and when I believe in someone or some thing, I do everything I can to let people know about it. it’s just how I am, and the sad truth I’ve come to realize is that the paying stuff out there isn’t always a right fit for me. I can’t find a perfect paying job for me, I haven’t, I’ve certainly tried but ultimately failed.

and the whole travel writing thing. the more I observe, the more I learn what kind of role I want to play in this industry, and it’s to be honest. I can only write about what I know, and I never ever want to become someone who sells themselves out for the money and linkbait. so I’m sticking to what I know and feel comfortable with. Colombia may bring me some new opportunities - who knows, but I don’t want to force a career in this industry when its so saturated anyway.

I think back to lots of people I’ve connected with over the years, and the ones who have stuck out to me are the ones who support my authenticity at whatever cost. the ones who push me to be myself - in every way possible. it’s how I will stand out and accomplish my dreams my own way. so that’s what I’ve always pursued. every year I believe I’m closer.

I lost track of the point I was trying to make here but basically I just wanted to write that I’m persevering and holding out.

go look at pictures of snow or something now.

GPOY.

the “Night Out” episode is my life this weekend. I have no friends, no plans, no where to go. but I feel like I should get out of this rut.

I feel very Louie today. just miserable, bored, and pessimistic. I thought about all the things I could do but I don’t even want to do them if I have to go out alone. I even contemplated going to the same bar in this episode where Louie is sitting having a drink with his unamused comedian friends and Todd Barry writes “NOT FUNNY” in chalk. or that really popular coffee place in the village next to the Comedy Cellar that’s always low lit and too cool for a normal person to hang out at. either of those places would be better than staying at home.

harrumph.

despite my continuous aggravations with the home life, I will stop being a whiny bitch for once and actually sit here and say my thank yous.

so let’s do this, shall we?

1) I’m thankful for my parents, my sister, and my dog. they are my world and I care about their well-being the most. I love them endlessly and even though I get so angry at them, I always miss them every day and am glad they stick behind me even though I’m the black sheep of this crazy ass family

2) I’m thankful that my parents cook. no really. I’m so thankful that they take such pride in cooking, that it’s their passion they’ve turned into a mini business, and like a dream come true. it’s because of them that I’ve grown up in a household that always put food on the table and showed me how to be appreciative of a home-cooked meal. & I got to learn a thing or two to actually cook for myself once I started living on my own

3) I’m thankful for being 24. though I feel like I’m an old soul, I have to remind myself how young I am and how fortunate I am to have opportunities come to me (even if they leave shortly after). I’ve been able to distinguish myself as independent, fairly successful and happy, and pretty damn smart at my age and I’m kind of glad that I have the rest of my life to make mistakes and learn from them and grow. I have a long way to go

4) I’m thankful for being able to live in a city I’ve always dreamed of. I don’t know how long I’ll get to keep living in New York but you best believe I keep living it to the fullest because this city is full of possibility and greatness and I still get giddy with excitement every day that I’m here

5) I’m thankful for travel! duh, you knew I had to say something about this. in a year my view of the world has completely did a 180. the people I continue to meet, the discussions, the events, the places I’ve been and dream about, I’m thankful that they exist and continue to invade my mind because it’s a wonderful secret society to belong to. I truly believe life isn’t complete til you’ve traveled abroad, and I mean really immerse yourself in another’s culture, so the fact that I’ve been able to do it - even just once - is mind blowing to me and I hope I can do it more and more

6) I’m thankful for friends. internet friends, real life friends, friends that I don’t know would even want me to call them friends. I don’t care. at least I have people to surround myself with that listen to me blab on, complain, talk about the perils of my job (or no job), people that support and encourage me, people who visit me time and time again to keep me sane. I’m thankful that you all exist and I hope you stay by my side in the long run

that is all. I hope everyone has a nice Thanksgiving and I hope to see your faces all really soon!

it’s true. I wrote and printed my own writing as early as kindergarten. I remember typing on the old Apple computers with the teacher next to me, decorating the papers when it printed out, and dedicating each short story to a different person. I loved it. I miss it.

it’s been a drastic, awesome, eye-opening week. but I feel good. I’m back to my confident self, and I’ve come to some conclusions about what I want to do next. so here it is, an action plan, a to-do list, notes on what I’ve learned:

1) I’m staying in New York. Thanksgiving is around the corner, so I’ll be home Upstate for a week to get a nice break from the city and be with family, but ultimately, I’m keeping my place in Brooklyn and staying here.

2) I’m going to suck up my pride and live off unemployment checks for as long as I have to. The student loans will just have to continue to sit and pile up, but there’s nothing I can do pay them off consistently until I get regular income again.

3) New York is where I belong and where all my opportunities are. I’ve already received a ton of leads and offers that I will be pursuing so though this city is stressful and competitive, I know this is my home base and where my career will thrive.

4) I was born to work for myself and control my own life and career. Looking back at HBW, I think I just took it for the job security. Yes, it was a cool company but I was already unhappy a month in and I missed being a full-time freelancer working at my own pace on my own projects with my own contacts. Success comes to me, I’ve noticed, when I’m working for myself and pursuing my own passions.

5) I’m happy. I’ve took the time to map out my life and the future ahead and I feel like I’ve got everything going for me and though the money thing will ALWAYS be a struggle, I’m much more content with controlling my own career and doing what I know and love.

I called my mom tonight to tell her about my “career revelation.” I explained to her that in talking and making friends with some well-respected writers and editors, I wanted to take the road that would lead me back into serious writing. like the old days where I did more journalistic type features. I told her that I didn’t think I was cut out to have a full-time office job, that I was happier being on my own making a little bit of money, that I missed being a writer, and that having the support and encouragement nowadays by lots of people I’ve met, this might be my only chance to pursue certain opportunities. I told her that I didn’t want to get a regular job, that instead I wanted to save and invest money into writing workshops and that I would try to get a gig over in Uruguay next winter.

her reaction? excitement. endless support. she told me she knew I was born to be a writer, and that I in fact was a good writer, and should continue to write just as I have always loved to. I knew my mom always enjoyed my writing but to tell her that I wasn’t going to be a normal worker - that I was going to sacrifice regular pay for a job that I - MAYBE - will break even in my debt, was shocking to find her be so happy for me. I love her even more for that.

today, especially was a good day. I feel better than I have in a long time, and if this is how it is to work for yourself and carve your own path, than I can’t imagine doing anything else.

no I won’t be having anymore celebratory job outings, and no I won’t be sending out email blasts announcing this career update. I will simply just sit back and enjoy the ride that is my future.

cheers. to. that.

UPDATE: I’m not angry anymore.

I was for like 2 days, but I’m over everything. not just HBW but all the shit I’ve been through since I returned from Spain this summer. I’m fine. I’m moving forward.

so please let us all just drop the Debbie Downer conversations because I cannot take anymore of it. I will explode if I have to have another “let’s compare how poor we are” story. honestly, the last thing I need to surround myself with right now is negativity and drama. I’m sorry that we’re all in shitty places in our lives but for my own sanity, I need positivity. I need normalcy. even more so, I need a breather.

I’m being completely selfish in this, I know it sounds awful but I just need a time out. I made some serious closure in this last week and I’ve been finally getting back to feeling okay again so the last thing I want is to be dragged down again.

I appreciate more so the conversations recently where people cut out the BS with me and just give me real, honest advice and relatable stories. that’s really been helpful. I thank you who have sent me emails, messages, notes, in-person discussions. truly.

don’t read this and be offended. don’t think I’m mad at someone. don’t think I hate anyone. just read this and respect the fact that I need to focus on me and that I need some time to get my shit together before I can come back in full force.

/rant.